I have been hit by a car on my bike.

It was, all in all, a rather lucrative experience to tell you the truth. It was technically a truck, but i got a new bike out of it. Now I am considering the types of vehicles that would be most beneficial for my fellow bikeroos to get hit by.

If you want to get hit by a car, here are several reasons it would be a good idea:

1. Regardless of what ACTUALLY occurred the person who is in the most pain is never to blame.

2. If your bike is starting to suck major baloney like mine was, corroded, aged, dippery gears, etc. getting flabbergasted by your local SUV can guarantee a shiny new two wheeled, well lubricated investment.

3. Bills, Gambling Depts, or just an over abundant need for hasty monetary compensation

4. Haven’t you ever been dreadfully curious as to what its like to get hit by a car?  Why yes.

Okay, now that we have covered why one would elect getting the following procedure undertaken let us consider the types of vehicles and personnel to get hit by:

Car Type Do’s:

BMW.  sleek, expensive, and only repaired at BMW affiliated retailers because of the necessity for imported parts, obviously this buyer isn’t getting the vehicle for economical purposes. enough said.

Ferrari.  This Charlie will be your golden ticket.  try catching them at a right turn, if they get any room to gallop they won’t even notice they hit you.

Cadillac. high end models, nothing before ’93, if your grandma would drive this Cadillac avoid at all costs. (odds are someone’s grandma is driving it and you will be hit anyways.

SUV’s. staple for the middle aged Male in America trying to preserve his masculinity.

Smart Cars. Small, compact, and can hardly go faster than you can on your bike. Good for beginners.

and if you are ever lucky enough to get a chance to be slammed by a limousine relax on that newly resurfaced pavement, for you have financially arrived.

Note: If you can’t pronounce the name of the manufacturer odds are that the owner has much more money than proper braking techniques.  There is a slight chance that the limousine is on its way to prom, which means you just wasted a Huffy.  So avoid late spring attempts.  Also SUV’s should be reserved for those over 180 lbs. because these few will have the best chance to whether such a blow.  These rules are instituted for your safety and success, so follow them.  You can’t cash out if you die and nobody pays a vegetable.

Car Type Dont’s:

Honda, Acura, Saturns:  economic, earth concious, and MpG friendly.  These cars go for years and the majority of dents can be buffed out.  This owner doesn’t have serious bones to begin with or they wouldn’t be cruising in a Civic.  So the only person who is losing in this transaction is you.

Corvettes, Mustangs, American Sports Cars:  this person blew there entire proverbially load on this car(which wasn’t very voluminous to begin with) so they are probably rocking with no insurance and have no money to pay a wounded bike messenger.  Every avenue in the event of bike contact points to: keep on driving.

Semi Trucks: …should be obvious..

Motorcycles:  (a.k.a. autistic cyclists) Not only do these drivers not have any money but they lack common sense.  They choose to straddle a combustible engine which doubles as the only protection between them and horrible dis-figuration and dismemberment and go as fast as a car.  nothing good can come of this scenario.

Dodge Ram:  There are people who need trucks and people who THINK they need trucks.  these owners fall into the latter category. Drunk, disorderly, and will often road rage you while you are on the sidewalk.

Convertibles: Awkward for everyone involved.

Note:  Any vehicle that is missing a door, window, or has two shades of paint must be avoided.  Also, any vehicle with a “For Sale” sign needs to be withdrawn as a possibility, because these rides aren’t technically owned by anyone, and nobody gets bribed in limbo.

People to Get Hit by versus people who are going to hit you.

“Anyone, anywhere is capable of unintended violence againts another human being given the right stimuli and parameters.”

-Mahatma Ghandi-

Who you Want:

married middle class mothers, writers, Actors, trust fund kids, closet criminals looking to stay off the grid, anyone with insurance, Canadians,  Western Europeans(often difficult to notice), Drunk men, CEO’s, Jared Fogle.

Who Won’t:

Earth friendly types,  Vegans, Anyone who has ever ridden a bike with the past 10 years, the Pregnant and/or nursing, Chefs, The person who holds up traffic to let you cross the street, People who like to wave at passerby, anyone on a cellphone(strange mystical paradox).

Who Seems to Try:

The Elderly, Any woman under the age of 28.

Its not sexism or prejudice, its hypotheses derived from substantial statistical evidence.

Think about it:  A young woman is under the impression that they are at the behest of the worlds constant scrutiny, so given that logic they assume that they don’t need to reciprocate equal analysis to the world around them.  The elderly operate as a hive brain and that circa 1950’s group-think creation has lost its damn mind.

Preparing for Impact:

So you have done your homework.  you know what type of car you are after.  you have spent hours and free evenings scouting your local intersections for the most prized applicants and you think you are ready.  Let us go over the game plan:

1. Avoid Injury

The first thing you don’t want hit are your knees.  So practice dismounting on the fly or at the very least bringing  leg to chest directly before impact. What is ideal is a good rump shot, followed by hood action, to pavement roll.  Practice these three steps for minimum injury.

2. Witnesses!

Getting hit won’t mean anything if you don’t have a loquacious audience willing to pontificate freely about your hopefully dignity preserving display of misery.  So choose a crowded intersection during the day time for maximum results.

3. Rule of 20’s

Simple.  Avoid any car that is going over the 20 mph mark because then the process becomes more trouble than it is worth.  The best place to achieve this is from right hand turners, park cruisers, and the near sighted.

4. Avoid the Blame Game

Make sure you abide by your god, country, state, and locally ordained rights as a bike strolling citizen.  They can’t make there illegal U-turn if you are in the legal right away!

5. Don’t Die.

Keep your heart beating at all costs, I haven’t checked but I’m not 100 percent sure that free bike coupons carry on into the afterlife.

Mount Up.

So now you are prepared.  You are equipped with the knowledge and wisdom required to be a prime candidate for vehicular monetary gain.  So helmet up, or helmet off depending on what you think will be the most effective incentive for the drivers.  Spread the word!  We shant stop until every intersection in America is riddled with wounded biker-by!

What happens when cars are eventually given up due to this monumental bike wrecking epidemic one might ask?  When everyone who is anyone is riding bicycles hounding the countryside for the last ancient automobiles?

….solved pollution crisis anyone?