I know my titles make no damn sense, but neither do my blogs….so in a strange opposing sense of idiosyncratic ideology my titles, being as strange as my written prose, makes perfect and complete sense with the text i produce.

So we had a totally rockin’ bake sale today.  and i found out something very integral about my being, i couldn’t bake cookies to save a childs life.  Sorry there little Timmy, but if that mean man with the gun decides that a cake is proper compensation for your life than your pretty much screwed.  I know i know you were going to be an Inside Out Batman this year for Halloween but right now ole Brocy’s culinary ability doesn’t stack up to stale shit and you are getting jacked.

I don’t really like competition.

I just don’t see the point.  Sure it is the “American Past time” and this that and the other, but i think it is quite silly.  It brings out the worst in people because everyone always has to win.  It is ridiculous to tell people to just play for fun but we need to just play for fun or something.  Or…OR, win or lose, both teams or participants get the same prizes.  Or the loser gets the better prize.  that would really start to screw up how everyone views the world now wouldn’t it?

Kind of excited about the impending zombie apocalypse.  Laugh now but when you are getting chased within an inch of your life in your little heely number you will remember the number one rule.  Always be two steps from sneakers.

Sneakers can cure cancer you know.

give a lady with leukemia a pair of new balances and tell her to walk a mile every day and by sunday of the new year she will be 96% cancer free.

patent pending.

I wonder what it would be like to be bitten by a shark.  Ive almost been bitten by one but i never actually had her lil ole chompers in me bum.  I caught a shark once but she convinced me that she had more to do on this earth than be fooled by a 13 year old fisherman never returned.  It wouldn’t be fun, that much is true, but i wonder if that shark would feel remorse after the bite.  Because obviously she will then realize that we weren’t the taste she was expecting and i don’t know how sharks feel about that situation but when i chomp into something and expect it to taste a certain way, having certain pre-established expectations about the said item, and it has an unexpected texture and/or flavor i spit that shit out real quick.

I was still wearing a slight beard when i applied for my passport last year, i wonder if that will affect my recognizability in foreign nations.  Perhaps i should grow it back out again.  I don’t think i will because i have come to a stark realization, the only people who think beards are cool are dudes.  Women don’t like them.

I will say this much though: facial hair (if you can grow the full set) is uber fun to play with.  Let your scruff grow out for like 2 weeks and you have a hairy easel waiting to be formed by your razorbrush  of artistic self expression, its magnificent.  I’m not sure what the paint is because I’m running low on art to beard equivalent metaphors.

I’m pretty sure the day is wasted unless you participate in the naming of at least two baked goods.  I have completed that task this day.

I realize that harassing people is an effective method of cookie sales, or pretty much any sales for that matter.  Either that or have a crippled Brit standing next to the Spiced cider looking like a wounded basset hound, either has proven to be quite ingenious.

If you ever go into walmart west say hello to Mildred, she is the sweetest person i have ever met in my life and i tell her that every single time i go into that store.  I think I should marry her.  You know just keeping my options open just in case.

I like how the world has fallen in love with acronyms.  The only thing i find ironic is that several of them take longer to say than if you were to just say the words properly when spoken aloud.  I do realize that acronyms were invented for SMS purposes but our generation and the one after us has merged text speech into oral communication and therefore the use of said acronyms has become superfluous and rather silly.

thats why i love it.  I think that a little superfluousness is good for the bones.

So Open Mic night this Wednesday people, pack you Sitars and accordions, Poetry and Origami, and come ready to express thineselves in a manner that is both crass and inappropriate.

Because we really need to loosen this country up.

Weird side note: On the way back from my editor’s meeting Miss Chelsea and I were almost attacked by strange miming impersonators.  The were pretending to have a conversation.  I think pretending to have a conversation is WAY more difficult than actually talking about something.  Why would you put on a show of speech when actual spoken dialogue comes naturally?

Why do human beings fight there natural inclinations so much?  I honestly think that is one of the only things that set us apart from animals, they have no power to deny their instinctual urges….we on the other hand will say “hey look, instincts, sorry buddy…i know that this is inappropriate but ya…gonna go ahead and do it anyway…do you have any quarters?”

Of course our mental response to ignore our instincts don’t have change.  I’m pretty sure existential ideas aren’t apt on carrying pocket change.

I often find myself in an intense writing session and while “spittin’ my game” i will come across a word that i have produced but have no idea what it actually means and i have never used it before.  I will then look it up and 96 times out of 100 the usage was correct.  It is not only acutely nerve wracking but i am almost convinced i have a literary super power.

So i have decided to be Morrill’s new official Hero.

I am neither a freshman or focused upon gender studies and inequality…but i still got some of their mo-frickin pizza.

The only thing better than pizza is free rebel pizza doused in feminism.