Tickling a Grizzly Bear in the Back Seat of Your Kia is Never a Wise Decision

So here I am.

I haven’t posted on this thing in many o’ months.  I have been working on my book, not like mad (to be honest) but as much as I can.  I’m simultaneously finishing up Chapter 3 and starting 4 as we speak.  Well not literally, that would be an annoying bout of opening and closing programs back and forth to be a statement of true honesty and let us be honest, hyperbole never got anyone anywhere besides false ideas of grandeur and a lot of silly excess.

I’ve also started outlining a second book, this one is a fiction piece.  It is set to be a trilogy or a series, I’m not sure yet.  I’m not going to talk about it, because like a bride before a wedding, if you see her she gets cancer or something.  I was never one to pay attention to trite ideas of tradition and superstition.  Every time i come in contact with a mirror I try my best to at least PRETEND to break it, and Every ladder i see i travel between its braces.  Why?  Well I hypothesize that if i can rack up enough bad luck in one lifetime, like 600 years of so (carry the 2….) then the universe will finally get fed up and say, “My God, didn’t this kid get the memo about all the seven years bad luck woes we placed intermittently around the world to keep him in line?  How rude of him.  We just can’t stand for this kind of calamity and atrocity.  It ENDS NOW!”

Then I will get struck by a meteor or something.  Which would be awesome because no one in recorded history has ever been struck and killed by a meteor.  Or is it meteorite once it enters the atmosphere?  It is so confusing trying to understand which way is what with words.  That was a wise thought, and a stunning example of fleet footed alliteration.

Thank you WordPress! that is so kind of you!  Oh sorry, you, being a reader of this tosh are taken unawares to why i am thinking my domain provider.  Tis simple, i was writing, well babbling really, and WordPress sweetly and automatically saved my draft for me.  Who says the internet doesn’t have a conscience?  Not I, said the Broc.

So I have begun studying my fourth language, Japanese.  I plan on moving there next July to teach and pretty much just eat my life away with Bento Boxes.  I wonder if my TREK will be considered carry on?  That gave me a sudden potent ambition.  I want to ride a bike….on an airplane as it is flying through the air.  My gawd, I’ve got to make that happen.  Onnanoko wa ringo o tabete imasu.  “The girl is eating an apple.”  Has no application toward the current situation, but then again, i never said my study of the language wasn’t contextually retarded.

I got into an intense fight with a fiddleback spider at work yesterday.  I was moving the trashcan  out of the men’s bathroom and he was under the bottom, being pretty sneaky.  he made me scream and I eventually took his life.  It wasn’t something I necessarily wanted to do, but somehow he got between me and the door.  It was intense, and I was wearing shorts, which he took note of to be sure.  Every form of poisonous spider resides on those Campgrounds.  I see brown recluses almost every day, they hide in screw buckets, they sulk in cabins, they try to take my lunch money.   Black Widows hide anywhere it is damp and dark, like sewer hidey holes and my lunch box.  That makes me realize something.  Poisonous Spiders, liking the damp, dark, and/or quiet, are the Emo kids of the arachnid world.

We also found two cats out there.  One looks pretty cool,  nice orange and white coloring and a bobbed tail, so I named her Widget.  Simple, and awesome like the cat she is.  Her sister is plain, and not really that distinguishable as far as cool cats go, so i named it  Pride Never Doubts the One True Mount Vesuvius.  So now its name is super original, and therefore she is by association.  She bit me the other day, I don’t know if that is because she hates her name, or because she contracted a biological contaminant that is going to turn her into a Zombie Cat.  I haven’t shown any symptoms yet however, so I may have to accept the former.  When I told my friends her name they said it was stupid.  They must not understand the fragile self-confidence a young cat has.

Back to the topic of the day.  It wouldn’t be wise to tickle a bear in any scenario, but much less in your automobile of choice.  But there is also an underlying stipulation that we, as a general audience are missing.  The fact that you were able to:

A) find a bear.  Not that difficult in its own right, but not something we all possess the ability of doing effectively.

B)through a series of diplomatic negotiation and base level bribery somehow get that bear into YOUR CAR.  Not to mention the space capacity limit for such a feat.

C) getting that bear to abide by proper automobile safety laws.

D) Settling on a Radio Station.  I have heard bears are keen on Bluegrass.

My final point being is that if you are graced with the ability to somehow coax a bear into your ride, then i think you have earned the right to get a little creative with your drive home.

On the other hand however, we have to consider the ramifications of such a frivolous act of Bear tickling in general.  They, on occasion, are known to have their funny bones but guard them aggressively.  Doing so in the hybrid and green friendly capacity of your local Car Dealer Kia seems to be taking advantage of the power you have earned.  But, if you are set on doing it, who am I to judge?

Broc.  That is who.

I am thinking of casting off my first name….hereby unspoken for the rest of time, and taking on a new middle name in place of my current middle name and moving that name to the first name position.  then perhaps surnaming that first name with the name I was given as a last name.  Much like the naming that the Japanese and Chinese family names are named.  Sewell Broc Penelope perhaps.

The “names” got a little out of hand I am aware, but once I get started I am like a constipated Rhino, I just gotta go and you better get the hell out of my way.

“When chastised by an authority figure, the art of River Dancing never fails to impress” -Lord Alfred Tennison-

One thought on “Tickling a Grizzly Bear in the Back Seat of Your Kia is Never a Wise Decision

  1. Glad to see you’re finally posting something —– it’s been quiet on the Broc writing front…. Oh and by and by—– Kia doesn’t make a hybrid – just thought you’d like to be informed!!

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