I am going to spend this entire blog comparing Jackie Chan to a Pile of Leaves.
First Up, Jackie Chan. Born April 7 1954 in Hong Kong.
Pile of Leaves: Born once every year under every Deciduous tree in existence….in the world.
Jackie Chan: Born Chan Kong-Sang
Pile of Leaves: Born….Pile of Leaves, slight variations across every world language, but core name remains intact.
Jackie Chan: has starred in over 100 films over an illustrious career of weird martial arts films.
Pile of Leaves: Been Present in every Romantic Comedy, Nature Documentary, and Film about trees. But only ever as a secondary role. Only had one line over his career.
Jackie Chan: Been to the North Pole
Pile of Leaves: Can’t exist on Poles of any kind, land formation or otherwise.
Jackie Chan: Has a well-kept house and home, a clean and clear conscience, personality, and lifestyle. No one has to take care of him and he can do yoga.
Pile of Leaves: Has to be raked constantly to exist. Feels bad about the constant raking. Occasional smoker. More of a free spirited dancer
Jackie Chan: Has a great following among younger generations, but generally pisses off old people.
Pile of Leaves: Has great interest among younger generations, but generally pisses off old people.
Jackie Chan: Spent a lifetime of honing his body and stupid expression skills.
Pile of Leaves: Only has 5-10 seconds of unaided movement. The only expression he can do is “dead.”
Jackie Chan: Has all but two of the original 151 pokemon cards in his collection.
Pile of Leaves: Occasionally gets Pokemon cards lost inside of him. Currently has 472 Geodudes.
Jackie Chan:Luckily Doesn’t need Geodude.
Pile of Leaves: Wouldn’t give it up anyway.
Jackie Chan:Children are afraid to get punched by him, instead they ask for his autograph.
Pile of Leaves: Children roll in him with reckless abandon, never even asking for so much as a name.
Jackie Chan: Once ran for governor and lost horribly.
Pile of Leaves:Knows where every governor lives and blackmails accordingly.
Jackie Chan: At any time of day, may contain trace amounts of urine or poo.
Pile of Leaves: Definitely contains both urine and poo.
Jackie Chan: An accomplished ballroom dancer, has one over 7 dancing competitions in Cairo, New York, Hong Kong, and Shanghai.
Pile of Leaves: Only knows Sway. Never been recognized as a dance by an accredited dance board.
Jackie Chan: Will probably be in a theater near you in the near future.
Pile of Leaves: Already getting into your house.
Jackie Chan: The last person who stepped on him got a palm-fist combo to the jugular, resulting in permanent DNA reconfiguration
Pile of Leaves: Has spent his entire life being stepped on. Trying to learn how to step back.
Jackie Chan: If he gets into your pants he better have your permission.
Pile of Leaves: Will take second base with ruthless, itchy efficiency, regardless of your consent
Jackie Chan: Can hold his breath for nearly 7 minutes while fending off a troupe of baby sea otters.
Pile of Leaves: Can hold its breath for 8, and has a natural alliance with all sea mammals.
Jackie Chan: Can stealthily sneak up on anyone with Ears, has to be searched for to be found.
Pile of Leaves: Sneaks up on Summertime. Can disguise itself as a “Less piley” pile of Leaves.
Jackie Chan: Will fill stupid and foolish when he flying lotus kick’s a leaf.
Pile of Leaves: Apathetic toward all flying lotus attacks.
Jackie Chan: Will one day die.
Pile of Leaves:Will repeatedly lay on all of our graves, Including Jackie’s.
Pile of Leaves wins.
Word of Wisdom:
“I rolled in a pile of leaves and found 25 cents and the inspiration for the Polio Vaccine. I knew then I had made a lifelong friend and ally.”